The festival of the Turnip

The festival of the Turnip is an annual festival occurring on the first or closest Friday to the 7th of June. The festival is a staple event in the calendar in Castle Hedingham and can trace its origins back as far as 2019 AD.

Origins The origins of the day of the Turnip are shrouded in mystery. Some say that it is a fertility rite first practiced the by the pre-roman Britons. Others have cited the day that a local man fell off his bike and cracked his ribs. No one is certain.

Events of the day

1630 - At the Bell Inn the revelers meet to take refreshment and toast the effigy of the Turnip.

1730 - The revelers leave the Bell Inn accompanied by music for the Procession of the Turnip from St James St to Falcon Square

1735 - The blessing of the Turnip is given by an official and a dance is usually performed to wish the Turnip well in the afterlife.

1750 - The procession continues to the sacred spot in Church Ponds where a short Ode to the Turnip is given with a wish for the new year. The June Turnip is announced for the following year.

1800 - As the church clock strikes, the Turnip is destroyed by the Elder Turnip.

1805 - The procession returns to the Bell Inn where another dance takes place and a great Kerry Katona style buffet feast is revealed consisting mainly of root vegetables and red things.

1815 - The traditional Dwyle Flonking takes place with the June Turnip of the year flonking first. There are usually two teams, the Neeplings and the Ominous Parrots. These teams are made up of whoever is most vulnerable to peer pressure.

1845 - Other Turnip based party games are played and much beer is drunk.

Characters

The Turnip The tragic hero of the day, cruelly pecked open by the Scarlet Macaw in the Tale of the Turnip and emptied of his ripe flesh upon the cobbles of Church Ponds. Represented by a giant hollow Turnip filled with red items during the festival.

The Scarlet Macaw (or Ominous Parrot) The original meaning of the parrot is unclear. It does also share a name with the 4.8% [https://www.oakhamales.com/core-beers/scarlet-macaw/#:~:text=Scarlet%20Macaw,sharp%20as%20a%20Macaw's%20screech!&text=Bold%20and%20adventurous%2C%20Scarlet%20Macaw,powerful%20of%20all%20American%20hops. Oakhams Brewery produced American Pale Ale], though this association is given to be coincidental. The ominous parrot is usually represented by a puppet or effigy and occasionally by a disguised participant. In the Tale of the Turnip the Ominous Parrot pecks and destroys the Turnip for apparently no reason.

The June Turnip is a layperson of the parish with a usually hairless head, elected to represent the Turnip and given the first flonk during the Dwyle Flonking match after the ceremony.

The Elder Turnip is the oldest attending June Turnip of a previous year. If the Elder Turnip wishes, they may defer their position to a younger present June Turnip, known as a Neepling.